The comedian asked me a fascinating question... Tell me about yourself kiddo (although I'm quite a bit older than him). Upon telling him I was a mother, wife, student... etc etc. He messaged back, "I suppose I wasn't clear. What is your philosophy, how do you view life? What are you?"
Here was my response. I'm posting because I'd love those of you with more than a couple minutes, who are brave enough to soul search... what's your answer? At least, today? Lol.
I know it's all relative. It's the great cosmic joke that 99% of us think we are the most enlightened, the most beautifully suffering, the most tragically tortured of our circle. I mean, even saying we are none of those things is secretly a way to say we understand Socrates and that admitting our ignorance is somehow the most enlightened of all... Hence my impatience with philosophy. The truth is that we ALL live in a bread box in this fucking nation. We are ALL integers in this life algebra. And, while most imagery of philosophy is disjointed, it is beautiful. I appreciate when people muse and really think. Hardly anyone really simply thinks anymore. I can't stand the woe is me attitude of the existentialists, but agree that most of "life" is simply experience and facticity.
Most people suffer blurred perception... in that they drudge through life fitting into roles that make them miserable out of necessity to survive, but never do anything to attempt to at least free their minds. I mean, I'm not proposing people constantly fight against the organization of society, because, again, that would only become it's own form of society. It's the nature of human beings to organize and compartmentalize. The fabulous irony is that the only reality is our own individual reality, so trying to live by a preset organization of someone else's philosophy of what the world should look like, is absurd. It will always include some and marginalize most. No two realities are alike. We all live in our personal Lynch movie.
I also think we're all struggling with the exact same demons, they just possess us differently depending on our interpretation of that reality. No one can really help us with that. That's why so many co-dependent friendships and lovers just go out like Sid and Nancy, gut stabbed and just not knowing it... because you can't enable life. It's why so many people live a long, slow suicide.
I calmed in my late 20s. I'm trying to find my own comfort in the boundaries of lower middle class claustrophobia. So many of my wanna- be beat nick friends say they can't be happy in this world, but I've come to realize that we all have what it takes to be patient and happy. It's within us all. I've simply gotten my ass kicked by this life so many times that I have boxers brain. I have to relax and be patient and take moments of serenity for the extraordinary gift that they are, but I don't think I value or devalue those any more than anyone else.
I suppose I couldn't appreciate those moments if they weren't juxtaposed next to some fiercely restless and anxious ones. All artistic types struggle with restlessness more than truly left brained people. Of course, they have their own struggles and crosses to bear. Again, the relative thing.
I can hardly function moment to moment some days because I have so many ghosts haunting my mind. Sometimes, when I'm playing with my son I just want to swallow him whole because I'm so afraid of being a mother and failing him and having him be as jaded as so many people. I want so fiercely to protect him from the oh so predictable path of angsted teenage years, self-destructive 20s... complacent 30s, etc etc. It's such a tragedy that most of us spend this consciousness suffering, flailing, trying to find our footing, only to realize when we've gotten it that we hate where we're standing. So, the stumbling and flailing starts all over again...
Then, those moments wash in...of peace and serenity. I just have to be patient enough not to implode my life or self-destruct while I wait for them. I've learned to wait. That's all that's new about me. So, this blathering was all to say... What am I? Appreciative. That's one thing that no one needs to bestow upon me: the wisdom of appreciation. I appreciate plenty.
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