Holding On

I'm holding on minute by minute. It's the moments I'm caught completely off guard that bring tears. Sometimes I'll be laughing; maybe Aeden did something funny and I'm laughing, or Nathan is leaving after his lunch break and I'm just fussing in the kitchen. All the sudden the loss smacks me, and I want to double over. It takes the breath right from me. I go to call my friend and I see her number in my phone. I see the stack of Thank You cards I should be filling out. I see the flowers from the service wilting in the vase... and I want to freeze them in time. I hate the melodrama of their demise, but I can't throw them away just yet.

I typed out the entire service. I have the hand written service and commitment, and I typed it all out... even the lyrics of the hymns. I don't know why. I just wanted it. I have read it several times and it always makes me feel a tiny bit less surreal. It brings it a little bit closer to real. She's really gone. I'll never call her again. I'll never hear her voice. I'm motherless.

Sometimes I think of her before her illness, sometimes after. When I think of the last 7 years, all the pain, all the sickness, all the doctors, nurses, CNAs... all the ways we sacrificed and strove to make her happy, make sure she had the very best care. How do I move on from that? What fills that void? How can something that has consumed me so fully for so many years just... end? No more phone calls in the middle of the night. No more fear when I talk to a doctor, that he doesn't even know her case, hasn't familiarized himself with her history. What will it be like to mourn rather than worry?

I miss her. I miss her calls. I miss the good days when we'd talk, and I'd hear that certain pitch and tone that told me she was having a good day. I miss her infectious laugh... and I miss being able to hold her hand. I miss making her smile. I miss making her proud.

I miss you mom.

Have you ever sung the full Jesus Loves Me? I sing. My Dad bought me singing lessons, and I was in choir my whole schooling years. I sang the song a cappella at my mom's service. It may sound silly, but my mom loved that scene in The Bodyguard when the sisters sing it together. I'd sing along and my mom would tell me how pretty it sounded. I was going to just sing the first and last verse, because I didn't want to be too long, but then I read the lyrics... so, this is what I sang.

Jesus Loves Me Jesus loves me, this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong.
They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me,
He who died,
Heaven’s gate to open wide.
He will wash away my sin,
Let his little child come in.

Jesus loves me,
Loves me still,
When I’m very weak and ill.
From His shining throne on high,
Come to watch me where I lie.

Jesus loves me,
He will stay,
Close beside me all the way.
He’s prepared a Home for me,
And some day His face I’ll see.

Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
The Bible tells me so.