Settling

Well, I don't know if it's age, or just a personality type, but I've had some thoughts. I apologize ahead of time if this is long winded...

I've been thinking about the concept of "settling" for years. My marriage has gone through so many ups and downs: we've gone to counseling, I've slept on the couch for months, I've spent more time on a bar stool than a living room chair, we've had the stereotypical hours of talking and consoling and begging...

My dad once took me for a walk and said, "L, don't try and change Nathan. Either accept him for who he is or don't... People don't change."

So, I was insanely indignant and pissed! I thought it was awful advice. I thought he couldn't be more wrong. I mean, that statement is ludicrous! After all, I changed! I was so sure that Nathan could make the changes I wanted/needed him to...

Now, years later, I realize my dad was exactly right. Although, maybe not in the way he meant at the time. The thing is, you can't pre-write the recipe of a relationship and then expect to find a partner that is baked precisely to those measurements. Life is so full of flux and flow. People evolve, change, morph, and ascend to different places in life, despite those around them. Change is so sacred and deep... and I mean, real, significant change. Sometimes, those changes will fall right in line with the relationship... and sometimes they won't. Those are the times relationships either strengthen, or end.

I needed different things at different times. I needed closeness when Nathan needed space. I needed trust when Nathan needed emotional security. The times when we were at odds with our needs used to be the times our relationship would almost end. After all, it's all relative from the place you're standing. You want closeness, but not too close, you want openness, and he wants a level of anonymity. These things are expressive of two people in very different places of life's journey. It took me so long to realize that Nathan and I would probably never be standing in the same spot (but how magical it is when you glimpse moments like that).

The real questions I should have asked myself in those times were: Does he make me unhappy enough that I'd rather live my life without him in it (at least in the way I needed him to be in my life)? Do I think the things I want so fiercely from him, will make me so happy that I can't imagine living out a different relationship?

For me, the answer to those questions were both "no." I realized that my need for Nathan to exhibit certain qualities actually came from issues within myself that I needed to work through on my own... not alone. Just on my own. When I stopped insisting that he display certain non-negotiable qualities, and started trying to accept him the way he is, and negotiate within myself for the needs I was experiencing... well, the relationship blossomed.

I wouldn't say that Nathan and I ever conceived we'd be so healthy and happy. I know for damn sure that he never could have dreamed or hoped that I'd stop telling him he was "emotionally unavailable" and "non-communicative." You know what, someone is far more likely to communicate when he feels free to express anything and everything without fear of retribution or anger. He communicates better than ever before... he evolved on his own. Not alone. I was here with him, traveling the same road... just at a different point on it.

Okay, so, I digressed. I went way off topic. I said all this to express my feeling that I think you can wait to long. As tragic as it is, we're all mortal, and everything comes to an end. I think it is possible to "settle" and still be blissfully happy. I don't mean that it's an excuse to remain in a disrespectful relationship. However, if you find someone you love, who makes you happy, who is respectful of you, but just at a different point and wanting different things... ask yourself the questions above.

I think a lovely definition of "settle" is this: to quiet, calm, or bring to rest.

Once I "settled," I found I could hear my husband's fears, insecurities, the things that made him closed off to me. The noise of me beating against us, to "get what I wanted" was drowning out his desire to do the same.

God. I'm so happy.